i feel like i'm in a hopeless situation.  well perhaps not hopeless.  maybe futile is a better word.  i don't think the situation is hopeless, but the fact that i am still holding on to it and trying to make the best out of it, is hopeless.  it seems like i'm been wandering down a dark hallway lately with a flashlight in my hand.  i keep the flashlight off, thinking that eventually my night vision will kick-in and i'll be able to see.  but instead of my night vision kicking in, I just keep walking blindly down the hall, banging into obscurely placed objects and cursing to myself.  

i like how i try to paint a picture of what i'm feeling with far-fetched examples.  i do it as a protective measure.  maybe if you can figure it out, than you can figure me out.  maybe i just want someone to ask me what it all means.  

what does it mean?

It's 2:45 in the morning, technically it's Sunday, Mother's Day, 2007. Finding my Blog was a mission, I attempted to Google it, but clearly I'm not attracting anyone to my site to deserve a mention on the Google search page.

Ok so on to things that I actually have signed on to writing about. So like i stated it's Late and i'm online, i actually got off Early tonight (11:30pm) and decided to Bond with my coworkers at this Dive Bar called Break Time (behind the Bank of America off of Fairview) and it was an nice "dive-bar" establishment, but by the time we closed the place and were ready to move on, it was already 2am and nothing else was open :slash: noone was picking up their phone. I guess iVillians do go to sleep around 2 am, that OR they are busy trying to get down, but even if that was true, my lady friend failed to pick up her phone.

Things have been going on in my life that have my head in a tailspin, i suppose i see tons of people "settling" and realize that too many people are just getting married, having kids and taking up some job to pay the bills and then the rest of their life is history. I don't know where i see myself in the next year, let alone this Christmas. Will I still be in Santa Barbara? DC? Singapore, the Islands, Japan? I don't know. I'm starting to get wanderlust and bored of my surroundings. I don't think it helps that Monka and I got into a rather intense 'discussion' on our ONE YEAR anniversary that me rather emotionally drained.

i know i have more to write, but i'm still buzzing and i think i'm jst going to go to bed....

I've come to realize that i need to express myself, i need to breath, i need to rant. I keep running into the same problem - i stay quite when i want to speak out. I feel like many of us have this need, the desire to communicate our ideas to deliberate ideas with someone else.

You know, i think i'm ok being wrong, i just want to make a good case for my idea and be able to debate it.


...so within the last, say 3 minutes, my girlfriend called, and i must give her props, she is the only one that can get under my skin in milli-seconds. And while in know this is an impressive task, its starting to harden the skin and i'm starting to get more annoyed by it than feeling sympathetic toward her. Sometimes i feel like she's just drilling into my head the old-saying "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me," only multiple that by say 50 trillion or so.

So back to what i was saying earlier...I realize i need to talk. Right now i have a handful of acquaintances, but i don't have anyone that i feel like i can turn to and just talk. You know, just let out all those words that are locked in my skull and let them out in the wild to frolic with the masses. I think they just want to do that, thats why at times i don't like the silence and at other times I vent to people that just aren't ready to deal with what i have to say.

This isnt a picture of my girlfriend and me, but its some picture i got off of Google and Photoshop'ed to kind of symbolize how i feel sometimes with her. Its kind of sad.